it never gets easier

The teenager died. He died in my arms and I couldn’t do anything. I cried. It always get to me to see a kid die. Maybe only because it keeps reminding me that I cannot have one of my own, that we, Alex and I, cannot ever have a baby. He looked so young and so helpless and obviously there was nothing we could do to save him, but still I feel guilty. Alex remained stunned for hours, trying to find some logical explanation. He told me that we had to go on with the tests, to find out what occurred to him but I feel so tired. He died but Alex seems untouched by his death. He’s not reacting as usual. He keeps testing this young boy’s blood as if it was the only thing that matters… He wants to understand. But what good can that do now that it is too late? We had a huge fight when he decided to do an autopsy of the poor kid without telling me. Sometimes, really, I must admit that our views differ completely!